Innocence Never Dyes
by Amancirith Carangarien
Summary: Answer to a SkyFire challenge: Just how innocent can one of our favorite elves be? humorous slashy-ness included


Innocence Never Dyes  
Amancirith Carangarien  
Disclaimer: We don't own any of them, more's the pity. Boy, don't we wish we did. This was written as an answer to a challenge by SkyFire, and the challenge is listed below the fic. You can, of course, scroll down and spoil the surprise, but we wouldn't recommend it. That just wouldn't be nearly as much fun, for anybody.   
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The first warming winds of spring heralded the arrival of the Lord and Lady of the Wood in the fair city of Imladris. They came with little fanfare, only Haldir and his two brothers attending them. So quiet was their coming that even Elrond was unaware of them until they had already crossed the ford of the Bruinen. And so it was that the dignified lord of Imladris was forced to rush in order to meet them.   
  
The dark-haired elf was smoothing the front of his robes and straightening his silver circlet when Haldir first saw him. The Lorien elf was immediately intrigued. He had been in Imladris before, but had never looked upon its lord as he was now.   
  
'Vedui il'er. Nae saian luume.' Elrond smiled in welcome. "It has been many years since you have last been in Imladris. To what do we owe the honor?"   
  
Celeborn answered, but Haldir heard none of his words. All of his attention was focused on Elrond, and it took a sharp poke from his brother Rumil for him to return his wandering thoughts to what his lord was saying. Unfortunately, Celeborn had launched into what looked to be a rather lengthy speech, which Haldir had already heard once before.   
  
The younger elf silently sighed as he let his focus shift back to something he found much more fascinating. His gaze rested once again on Elrond and his lips curled up in a slight smile as plans began to unfold in his mind. He always seemed to get whatever it was that he wanted, and now Haldir knew exactly what that was.   
  
By the time that Celeborn finished even Elrond was beginning to get visibly bored. His dark eyes had lost a little of their focus and he had clasped his hands behind him to hide his slight fidgeting. As the Lord of the Wood stopped speaking, Elrond bowed his head and motioned for them to proceed him. Haldir couldn't suppress a soft chuckle. The lord of Imladris hadn't even noticed his scrutiny.   
  
* * *  
  
That night, after his brothers had settled in to sleep, Haldir found himself wandering through the darkened hallways looking for Elrond. He had almost given up hope of finding the elusive elf lord when he noticed a dark head bent over a stack of parchments as he passed the library. He stopped in the doorway, content for a moment simply to look.   
  
One hand was threaded in the dark hair, propping his head up, while the other was absently drumming on the tabletop. The tip of his tongue was peeking out from between tightly closed lips, and there was a faint ink smudge across his jaw. Elrond suddenly looked up and leaned back in his chair as he motioned for Haldir to enter.   
  
"So, what is it that keeps you from sleep this night, Haldir?"   
  
The blond elf smiled as he walked further into the room. "Merely my own restless thoughts, my lord. Nothing more." He glided closer, perching gracefully on the corner of Elrond's desk. Haldir reached forward and brushed a dark lock of hair back behind the elf lord's ear, his hand then resting on the older elf's shoulder for a moment longer than was proper. "And what is it that keeps you from your bed, lord Elrond?"   
  
Elrond completely ignored the slightly husky tone to the Lorien elf's question as he shifted over to reach for one of the parchments. He pulled one out of the stack and handed it to Haldir, who simply arched an eyebrow before taking it. The other eyebrow rose to join the first when he saw exactly what he was holding.   
  
"A plan for acid reduction in the Bruinen?" He looked up, blue eyes wide. "This is what you are sacrificing sleep for?"   
  
The dark-haired elf shrugged before plucking the parchment out of Haldir's hands. "It is something that must be seen to. If I do not take care of it, who shall?"   
  
"That may be, but it is not necessary for you to see to it tonight." The blond rose to his feet and moved around behind Elrond, gently rubbing his shoulders. "Even an elf lord needs time to relax. You know, have a little fun." He leaned down until his mouth was level with Elrond's ear and began to whisper.   
  
After only a few words Elrond's eyes widened and he lunged to his feet, his parchments scattering on the floor. An instant later, the elf lord was half-way up the balcony curtains and clinging to the fabric as if his very life depended on the tightness of his grip.   
  
"You want to do what?!"   
  
Haldir rose from where he had been knocked to the floor and moved to stand underneath the curtains, his hands resting on his hips. "You heard perfectly well what I said. I don't know what's so shocking about it though."   
  
Elrond slowly slid back to the ground, though he did still try to keep the curtains between himself and the other elf. "But, I nev... I'm married!"   
  
The blond elf sighed as he slowly walked closer to Elrond. When he didn't shy away, Haldir reached up and began to lightly stroke the older elf's ear. "Celebrian's gone. I don't think she'd hold a little fun against you."   
  
The Half-elf slapped Haldir's hand away and backed onto the balcony. "By the Valar, what do you think you're doing!?" Suddenly the blond's words sank in, and Elrond fell to his knees. "Celebrian."   
  
Haldir simply watched in shock as the dark-haired elf began to wail inconsolably and rock back and forth. "She left me for the Sea. It's only water. We have water here. Why couldn't she stay here and play with this water? It's perfectly nice water, clean and..." Then the lord of Imladris began to cry in earnest.   
  
After a moment of uncontrollable sobs, Elrond finally quieted. "And all I have to remember her by are my children." His voice was soft, and after that one statement he buried his face in his hands.   
  
Haldir's eyes widened and he walked to crouch in front of the Half-elf on the balcony. "I thought that you knew."   
  
Only one dark eye was visible from behind Elrond's hands. "Knew what?"   
  
The blond reached out and firmly grasped the older elf's wrists, pulling his hands away from his face. "They aren't yours." He sighed when Elrond made no sign of comprehension. "Your children. They aren't yours."   
  
Elrond sniffled slightly as he frowned up at Haldir. "What do you mean? Of course they're mine."   
  
Haldir sighed and leaned closer to the elf lord. "Let me ask you this. Did you and Celebrian ever...?" The blond leaned even closer, whispering his final words in Elrond's ear.   
  
The dark eyes widened in shock and Elrond frantically tried to pull away from the blond archer, but Haldir's grip on his wrists was too tight. He settled for shaking his head violently. "No! Why would we want to do that?!"   
  
Haldir rolled his eyes, releasing Elrond's wrists to slap a hand to his forehead. "Well, I suppose that answers my question."   
  
"Well, it doesn't answer mine!" The Half-elf wailed miserably. "If my children aren't mine, then whose are they?"   
  
"Thranduil's." The blond's voice was very matter-of-fact, and he wasn't prepared for the strange look that the information provoked from Elrond.   
  
"Thranduil?" Elrond frowned. "But my children are not blond. And they look nothing like Legolas."   
  
Haldir was hard-pressed not to give in to his overwhelming urge to laugh. "And that, my lord, is because Thranduil is not Legolas' father, either."   
  
The elf lord's frown only deepened. "Then, who is?"   
  
"Celeborn." At the expression on Elrond's face after this admission, Haldir did give in to his urge, dropping to roll on the floor in peals of ringing laughter. After a long moment the blond ceased his laughter, sitting up and wiping tears from his eyes. "My lord, a lore-master of renown you may be, but there is obviously much about life you have not yet learned."   
  
By this time, Elrond had pulled his legs up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his chin propped on his knees. The dark eyes were wide and slightly glazed from the onslaught of unwanted information. Elrond bit his lower lip and hesitantly asked another question. "Legolas looks nothing like my beloved Celebrian. Why? Who was her father, if not Celeborn?"   
  
Haldir opened his mouth to speak, then closed it with a frown. "I have no idea. I never did manage to figure that one out. I do know that it was not an elf, but a man who fathered her."   
  
Elrond closed his eyes, gathering the tattered remains of his courage to ask yet another question. "Why is it, then, that Celebrian was blonde and my children are not?"   
  
The blond elf sat back on his heels, happy to have another question that he knew the answer to. "Hair dye."   
  
The Half-elf ducked his head, tempted to cover his ears with his hands to avoid hearing anything else that the blond was going to say. But there was one question that he desperately needed an answer to. "How is it that you know all of this, Haldir?"   
  
Haldir grinned. "Well, if you really want to know... It all started many, many years ago, when I was only a small elfling..."   
  
*flashback*   
  
A small, blond elf, appearing to be only eight or nine human years old, walked slowly through the mallorn trees of Lothlorien. He was clad in typical Lorien silver, although all but his leggings were hidden beneath a long, white lab coat. A small pair of black wire-rimmed glasses were perched on the end of his nose, and his shoulder-length blond hair was pulled back.   
  
*'Oh, look. That's me as an elfling. Wasn't I cute? Anyway...'*  
  
The very young Haldir only made it a little further into the trees before he was stopped by a very pregnant Galadriel. The Lady of the Wood lifted her skirts enough so that she could kneel on the grass in front of the elfling. She put a gentle hand on his shoulder and pulled him close enough that she could whisper in his ear.   
  
"Have you managed to finish the blonde hair dye I asked for, young Haldir? I know you have been working long and hard on it for me."   
  
The young Haldir nodded enthusiastically, quickly reaching up to steady his glasses. "I just finished it, my lady. I still cannot do other colors yet, but the blonde is perfect."   
  
Galadriel pulled the elfling into a brief hug, then patted him on the back. "Thank you, Haldir. Now remember, tell no one of this."   
  
He smiled sunnily. "Don't worry, my lady. I won't."   
  
*flash forward, but only slightly*   
  
Haldir once again was walking through the trees of Lorien, white lab coat absent but wire-rimmed glasses still perched on his nose. He was once again stopped by Galadriel, who pulled him aside from the path he was walking and over towards the trees. Her voice was low as she spoke, only barely loud enough for him to hear.   
  
"Were you able to finish the dark dye for my daughter, Haldir?"   
  
The blond archer smirked. "Yes, my lady. And a few other colors, as well."   
  
Before Galadriel could say anything, Celeborn stalked by. The Lady's eyes widened as she took in the deep purple streaks in her husband's normally silver hair. As soon as Celeborn was out of ear-shot, Galadriel snorted in suppressed laughter. "Haldir, you have outdone yourself this time. Thank you."   
  
Haldir smiled and bowed his head. "It is nothing, Lady. I enjoy it."   
  
*flash forward to the present*   
  
Haldir glanced down at the elf lord who was once again rocking slightly on the floor. He shifted closer until he could wrap an arm around Elrond's shoulders. "I am sorry that I was the one to reveal this to you, my lord. I had intended to help you relax this night, not cause you to mourn."   
  
Elrond remained silent until the blond's hand moved somewhere completely unexpected. He jumped backwards, trying to put as much space between himself and Haldir as possible. "Get your hand off that!"   
  
Haldir sighed, finally giving up completely. He rose gracefully to his feet and began to back out of the library. As he turned to move through the doorway, he glanced back over his shoulder at the elf lord huddled in the corner. "If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."   
  
The next morning Haldir rose late, still depressed over the events of the previous night. In all his many centuries of life, that had been the first time he had been unable to get what he wanted. He walked out through the courtyard, paying little attention to the arriving elves of Mirkwood until he noticed one of them from the corner of his eye. He heard the eye-catching elf introducing himself as Legolas, and all of the depression from the night before vanished.   
  
His gaze rested on the fair 'son of Thranduil' and his lips curled up in a slight smile as plans began to unfold in his mind...  
  
The End  
  
* * *  
  
The Challenge:   
Can be gen, het or slash, any genre (though it lends itself better to humor, I think).   
- Write a virgin!Elrond fic.   
Sound easy? But wait- there's more!   
- The thing is, the fic has to take place *after* Celebrian went over the Sea. That means Arwen, Elladan and Elrohir are already born.   
-Elrond has to be completely clueless as to the fact that his kids *aren't* his.   
- Fic must contain one or all of the following sentences (or something similar): "By the Valar, (woman/man)! *What* do you think you're *doing*?" or "Get your hand off that!" or "(eyes wide) You want to do *what*?!" or "By the Valar (woman/man) put some clothes on!!" 


End file.
